1 month in Heaven

October 19th, 2020.

1 month old.

I’ve heard many times people say that kids grow up quick. And, they do. I’ll be honest, I thought 1 month went by fast until I realized it feels like forever since I’ve seen you. It’s been 1 month without you physically here.

I hate to say I’ve been here without you completely because you’ve actually been woven into every ounce of my breathing life. Although I can’t hold you, I feel you. You have made your presence well-known. It may have been you telling me you’re okay, but I was awoken from deep sleep early this morning to the thought of you. You were so grown up. I watched every stage of your life as if a shutter of film played through my head. You were once there in my arms, then you became a little boy, then a grown man. All of these stages reassured me that you are not missing out on the physical life stages, you are lucky enough to experience life on the spiritual realm.

I wish so bad to see you again. I want to experience this life with you. But, I know you’re doing great – you’re in heavenly paradise. You looked so handsome in your light grey suit. I hate to admit it, but you really do look like your daddy. It seems so unfair sometimes. I’m supposed to be the one to care for you. I’m supposed to change your diapers and dry your tears when you’re sad. I’m supposed to help you with homework and talk you through your first heartbreak. I’m supposed to witness you marry the woman of your dreams and spoil your children. And, one day I will.

God knew this was going to happen.

I will admit, I was mad at God. But, only for an hour. I was mad because I dwelled on everything I was missing out on. It was you that altered my mindset and told me to be happy. I am forever your mommy. This was life’s plan. You are meant for far greater things than this earth has to offer. Today is a great day because my first born is 1 month old. I didn’t just survive this past month, I lived it for you.

I feel you, my boy. I can’t wait to experience life in heaven with you one day.

I love you to infinity and beyond, River.

Love, Mommy